Remember when you broke up with your fucking ex?
God, I’m glad you’ve finally gotten over them
Only took about a hundred million texts
God, I swear that bitch was such a narcissist

Everybody knows I love you so, so, so, so much
‘Cause every time they ask, I always tell, tell, tell, tell them

That’s my fuckin’ best friend, that’s my fuckin’ right hand
That’s my fuckin’ throw-up-in-the-bathroom-but-still-love-them
That’s my fuckin’ best friend, best friend
That’s my fuckin’ best friend, best friend
That’s my fuckin’ lifeline, that’s my ride or die like
That’s my fuckin’ hate-you-but-you-know-that-that’s-a-damn-lie
Baby, you’re my best friend, best friend
Baby, you’re my best friend, best friend
Baby, you’re my

Baby, you’re my

Made a promise that I’m gonna marry you
If we’re both still single by, like, thirty-two
And that shit is gonna end up bein’ true
‘Cause I hate, like, everyone except for you
Who else is gonna grocery shop with me at 2 AM?
Who else will take that picture for you just to get revenge?
You’re just as psycho as me, just as sick inside the head
So when they ask, I’ve always said

That’s my fuckin’ best friend, that’s my fuckin’ right hand
That’s my fuckin’ throw-up-in-the-bathroom-but-still-love-them
That’s my fuckin’ best friend, best friend
That’s my fuckin’ best friend, best friend
That’s my fuckin’ lifeline, that’s my ride or die like
That’s my fuckin’ hate-you-but-you-know-that-that’s-a-damn-lie
Baby, you’re my best friend, best friend
Baby, you’re my best friend, best friend
Baby, you’re my

Baby, you’re my

Baby, you’re my
(Yeah, I’ll be there in ten minutes)