Drowning in the Blue Nile
He sent me ‘Downtown Lights’
I hadn’t heard it in a while
My boredom’s bone deep
This cage was once just fine
Am I allowed to cry?
I dream of cracking locks
Throwing my life to the wolves
Or the ocean rocks
Crashing into him tonight
He’s a paradox
I’m seeing visions, am I bad?
Or mad? Or wise?

What if he’s written ‘mine’ on my upper thigh
Only in my mind?
One slip and falling back into the hedge maze
Oh what a way to die
I keep recalling things we never did
Messy top lip kiss
How I long for our trysts
Without ever touching his skin
How can I be guilty as sin?

I keep these longings locked
In lowercase inside a vault
Someone told me
There’s no such thing as bad thoughts
Only your actions talk
These fatal fantasies
Giving way to labored breath
Taking all of me
We’ve already done it in my head
If it’s make believe
Why does it feel like a vow
We’ll both uphold somehow?

What if he’s written ‘mine’ on my upper thigh
Only in my mind?
One slip and falling back into the hedge maze
Oh what a way to die
My bedsheets are ablaze
I’ve screamed his name
Building up like waves
Crashing over my grave
Without ever touching his skin
How can I be guilty as sin?

What if I roll the stone away?
They’re gonna crucify me anyway
What if the way you hold me
Is actually what’s holy?
If long suffering propriety
Is what they want from me
They don’t know how you’ve haunted me
So stunningly
I choose you and me
… Religiously

What if he’s written ‘mine’ on my upper thigh
Only in my mind?
One slip and falling back into the hedge maze
Oh what a way to die
I keep recalling things we never did
Messy top lip kiss
How I long for our trysts
Without ever touching his skin
How can I be guilty as sin?

He sent me ‘Downtown Lights’
I hadn’t heard it in a while
Am I allowed to cry?